I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
