As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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