I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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