Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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