I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
