I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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