Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
