i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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