Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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