I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
