He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
