i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
