probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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