How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
so much tequila, so little girl.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
