Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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