yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
