I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
