I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He did a backflip because drugs
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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