tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
