I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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