He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
