I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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