i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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