I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
