I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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