After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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