Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
