Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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