dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
