I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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