apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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