I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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