I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
