Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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