I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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