My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
