Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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