That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
