i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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