Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Drunk is not a location!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
