Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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