i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He felt like a one man threesome
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
