Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
