I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
