Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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