maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
