The maid of honor just puked.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
