sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
