dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
