Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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