ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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