Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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